Thursday, December 29, 2011

Changing colors...

Everything around me was drowning as I reached out to grab into nothingness.
There was nothing left to hold on too, and it was not because he left.
It was because I followed him out of myself.
Every time he went, he broke a piece of me and carried it away with himself. This time I only decided to follow and leave myself alone.
You might wonder why do I talk of me as two people. The thing is, its not two people, its just two aspects of my being. The soul and the shadow. The physical and the perceived. The moon and the eclipse. My soul left with him, my shadow stayed behind smiling at everybody who cared to notice.

Its been a year now since he went and I was still struggling to catch up with him. Running as he walked and still he slipped through my fingers. and now I had decided to drown myself because it was so much easier than struggling.
But falling isn't an easy job for those who have flown once. And long ago,I had travelled all the skies with him. Smiling and laughing and following.
Only now, he had abandoned me for some reason I was still yearning to know.
But one thing I knew for sure. It wasn't my fault. I had tried to stop him. Screamed, begged, wept. But it sure wasn't my fault that he still made up his mind to move on.
Perhaps it was this one tiny thought that moved me when he finally turned around. He looked at me, right into my eyes and I saw a hint of guilt on his stubborn face. It was in that moment when he called my name that I ran. I ran as fast as I could to my pool of misery and saw my drowning shadow.
I stretched my hand out and pulled myself out of the drowning grief.
And the cool fresh air was a bliss.
The sky was blue above me. I looked hard at the sun as I stretched out my wings and contemplated on the clear blue sky.I gathered all my broken pieces, mustered all the left over courage and took flight for nowhere. There was nowhere I could go as he wasn't there to guide me anymore. But I flew nevertheless, because the sky was clear and the sun was smiling at me. Because I knew, that even without him, the sky was mine as long as I knew how to fly.
And I flew, with my shadow and all, as he kept calling out for me, but this time I made sure that I allowed him to fade away...