Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Looking Back and Forth...

I miss the days I wrote in simpler words. Not vocabulary wise, but its seems to me now that everything I write carries too much meaning behind it. I wish I could write exactly what I mean once more.

I was going through my posts from 3 years ago. I was somehow so much more optimistic about the world. I was so hopeful about spreading this idealism. I seem to have restricted that utopia to a certain person now. Everything I write is about my love for perfection. Once upon a time, my whole world felt perfect. Somehow, it has now reduced to an idea of a person.

Its time for it to spread once more. Its time for me to blow this new idea so it goes back to its original shapelessness. If what I had created was so perfect, it will still stand and glorify everything else as well. If not, oh well, at least everything else will sparkle in the aftermath of his demise.

I have a feeling he will stand it. So here goes all my energy to rewind a little bit. Or rather, move on...

Monday, December 24, 2012

The End...

In her last moments
Only madness
and freedom as she had never known.

In her last moments
only laughter
Sinister and divine
all at once.

In her last moments
All alone, abandoned
and discovering regret
If only, for once
she had stopped running.

In her last moments
murmuring prayers.
For all those she had to leave.
Her last moments
spent on others
as was all her life.

And in her very last moment
A thought of him
crossed her mind.
And she sank into oblivion
knowing, he waited
on the other side
eager to take her hand
and her heart gave away peacefully...

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Now and Then...

Kindled spirit
Flattered heart
Born of dreams
Blown as an eyelash
spread out, in the wind itself
That was me, a while ago
before I met you...

Now all I am
is a whispered secret
Too cautious 
too careful
Too intimate to be shared
Kept in a box 
hidden away
the new me
born of lies
kept in disguise...

Now and then
Two different worlds
too different worlds
an  invisible me...

Saturday, December 8, 2012


He takes his first step forward
Breaking the silence, heavily laid upon our hearts
And pauses, for a moment,
Unsure of what I want,
Reading my eyes
For the first clue.

He takes his second step
Hoping I would step back, pausing again
Reading into my blank expression
Why was I still
Was it fear that glued my feet to the ground
Turning them into lead
Or my ignorance of his intentions?

He takes a third
He can almost hear me breathe now
And I stand my senses numb
And my mind, for once,
Clear of all thoughts
For now, he takes up all the space left in my world
And I surrender,
As if there was anything else I could have done.

 His hands reach out, cold as marble
Brandishing me, claiming all that I have
And I stand, as his fingerprints burn into my skin
As everything darkens, and finally fades out...


Sunlight plays cruelly on my eyes,
I shield them with my hands
My eyelids do a poor job
And my eyes fall upon him
Lying beside me, oblivious to my presence…
My shadow falls on him
My silhouette on his back,
I shift, and smile
As my palms rest like a bird on his back
And then a dog and then a dainty flower
Shadows on his sparkling self
This insignificance bothers me
After all, all that I will ever be to him
Is darkness, attempting to offend and disturb
His flawless glory
I resume my place
In the depth his arms
Anticipating an excuse
To remain there for a little while longer…

Thursday, November 22, 2012

His Borrowed Self...

(I have no idea what has made me write this one, but I like it nevertheless...)

I am a bit of a romantic
It doesn't matter what they say
Today I look for him in his smiles
tomorrow I will find another way
in someone else's prayers, 
someone else's dreams
someone else's cards will play his game
I will steal his love from unfinished poems
a stranger's, perhaps
or from an old friend's wishes
Its his love I will look for 
in the last sip from someone else's coffee
in the kiss of a friend upon my cheek
it does not matter where I get it from
until its his love that I receive...

I am a bit of a romantic
it doesn't matter what they say
after all, his smile is ordinary
just like everybody else's
and so are his dreams
just like anybody else's
I will move on, from one place to another
in the everyday manner of a mundane life
looking for the plain and for the ordinary
looking for anything remotely like him
and seize it, 
every song, I will sing it
until it becomes my own
every rhyme,
until it settles on my lips
like a prayer
its a bit of you after all...

Its romantic, whatever they say
after all, every candle I blow
I wish for you
every eyelash I blow
I wish for your happiness
Its all for you, isn't it?
Knowing them, because I hope to know you better
deliberately clinging on to them
until I know what's in their heart
renting a part of them, just for a while
and settling down there, just for a while
so I may know what it's like
being you, being even a little like you
in all its abstractness
crying with them, living with them
sharing a part of me with them
and then moving on,
because for all I know,
I might not know you at all yet...

Friday, November 16, 2012

What's in a name...?

He sits there, smiling like a sphinx
in the shadows where I cannot see him
But I always know he's there, nevertheless.
She mentions his name
in a context I will never know
I often tend to drift off from conversations
that hold no interest for me.

But she catches me off guard
with his name let slip into a casual sentence
and before I know
I am coming undone
My shield breaking and shattering
My protection, the weak wall of courage
I had built around me
vanishes like it had never existed
and pearls pour down on my pillow
why? I will never know
His name is enough
His memory is enough
and I break down...

She sits there, helpless
unaware of what she has done
looking at me, all vulnerable
while he sits there, invisible to me
and yet I can feel his smile stretch
the sadist, I believe he likes my pain
as I fall, ever deeper, helplessly in love with him...

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I look at him
Calm as an angel
With his face lit up with the brightest smiles
I look at him
Lively as a bloom
With his colors depicting the joy of life
I take what he gives
I close my palms
Lest, they escape me
The smiles and the tears he blows away for free
I close my heart, lest he escapes me
With his smiles and his tears
He drops in my glass
I savor every drop of him
His moods are intoxicating
And I flow, with his current
Like a broken branch of a broken tree
I don’t know where I am going
I don’t care where I am from
Living my life in rented lodgings
He keeps me safe, where I belong
I am but a delusional person
Living my life in borrowed daydreams
He keeps me safe, deep in his heart
I live him, every minute
My life runs the course he sets for me
An adventure, I jump off cliffs
Flying or falling, it’s all the same
There was never a beginning
He is the end
I fall, I fall into him
I fall into him satisfied...

Saturday, November 3, 2012


They blamed him for my fall
As I plunged through the air
Nobody saw me struggle against him
As he tried to act the savior
I cut and pinched and fought against him
So I could take the flight
Only then I did not know that I would
Fall instead of flying…

I only saw the pretty clouds
I heard the loud wind
I smiled at the birds that flew
Thinking I was one of them
And for a while I did belong
Before I crashed into the earth
And they said it was all his fault
that I lay there in the dirt.

If I could, I would have defended you
I would have told them to look away
As they looked at you with their accusing eyes
As you cried your grief away
I would have put some words, I would have told them all
How you had tried to make me see
All I was and all I had
Being only me…

Friday, September 28, 2012

I wait
In a silent room
As they whisper around me, 
Pretending to grieve
these ghosts of my future
Promising a better tomorrow
Hush, little baby
I don't want to hear their lullaby
I had rather have nightmares
than not dream of him at all...

I wait
In the dark room
as they move around me
doing their silent dance
the ghosts of my past
celebrating my demise
I had dared to move on
I had dared to be happy
They curse me
I shut my ears
I had rather burn in misery
than wish I hadn't met him at all...

I wait
gathering myself up in my arms
had he been here
he would have known the right thing to say
he would have known 
how to drive these ghosts away...
I can still feel his breath on my neck
his hands on my back
and his lips on my face
I wait
not for him to return
but to take time
to preserve his memory
forever in my heart...


He said, for a little while more
His lips quivering as he yearned to get his story out
his lips dry, his pain etched on every inch of his face
I try to get it out
try to skin him, until I can bleed the poison out
that rests deep in his veins
thick as the lava that burns my heart
as I watch him sit there, helpless.

He begs off me
spilling his tears on my dress
as I run my hands through his hair,
assuring and reassuring
I am not going anywhere
How could I?
Knowing that my existence
depends on him and him alone

He tells me how he came to be this way
this broken tree, shattered by the lightening
cursed by the wind
as I hold his hand
and he holds on to me, for his roots
and his fruits, and all his foliage
My tears healing his wounds,
while his burn my yellow flesh
like acid, 
soon it will be me in his arms,
but until then, I will hold him together
whatever it takes...

The Phoenix...

He walks through the yellow streets
alone, for him the world is empty
gasping for air, holding his breath
he dives, escaping the commotion
off the cliff, where his self had echoed
only minutes before
he dives, away from himself 
dodging his own voice
into free fall...
His fingers, his toes, all spread out
every inch of him feels the silent wind
and as he falls, he hears them whispering
for the last time
before he drowns...
And then a tiny splash before the river takes him in
His outstretched arms, 
his white torso and his round toes,
and everything around him becomes too quiet
and in that place, he knows what he is,
as his body cools down and his spirit starts burning 
hotter than fire, in blue flames
he sees it all, as he loses himself in the current
away from the shore, slowly drowning
And for a second, he actually considers death
easy as it is, but when he looks at his arms, 
and he looks at his toes,
and he thinks of all that he is, in this second
as every bit of him feels revived,
for the first time, he feels alive.
And he comes up, in all his glory,
more beautiful than he has ever been.
The phoenix, rising from his own ashes, 
brighter than ever before!

Thursday, July 19, 2012


The truth is
they shall never know
that you and me parted our ways long ago.
I will tell them that we are fine 
I will tell them that we are happy
I will tell them that you love me 
just like you once used to.
I will hide from them my tears
behind a mask of well - placed smiles,
at the end of each question and as I begin all my answers.
I will hide from them, the shadows
that haunt me every night
The sound of my screams, from all those nightmares
and quietly whisper all my troubles to myself in the day.
I will, beneath all my silence,
bury this dark secret that
you've left me, and I am too lonely
and too hurt and too broken
to be put back together ever again.
I will fight my battles but the fruits of my victory
will be too bitter for me to savor.
I will look for you
in the rain, the wind, the fire, the earth
in the faded smiles and the memories blurred.

The truth is,
you left me long ago
and I will never really accept that as long as I live.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Silent Accusations...

I blamed it on the coffee house
The bitterness of my coffee
The bitterness of his words
And the bitterness in my heart

I blamed it on the loud music
The fact that I did not understand
Anything he ever said and
All I ever wanted to hear
Never touched his tongue

I blamed the dim lights
That he could never read my eyes
As he mistook all my intentions
Assuming them to be otherwise

I blamed the excessively long table
For the distance between us
For the shadows and silence that always lingered
Somewhere in that space
And drew us further apart

I blamed it all on the atmosphere
And everything it had within
As I faked my smiles
So he wouldn’t notice that 
I knew how he felt and what he denied
I knew that he felt exactly the same way...

Sunday, June 17, 2012


I am blind,
But I pretend to see
In this hollow darkness, I peep
Searching for shadows, reflections
or blinding lights
Trying to recall what the world looked like
Years ago, is it still the same?
I stretch out my arms towards an empty frame...

I am blind,
But I pretend to see
The world can be cruel to those like me
I find my way through tunnels and streets
I have no eyes, so I cannot weep
Once in a while I am shown the way
at other times, they walk away...

I am blind,
so I pretend to see
but so isn't everybody around me?
There isn't a man who does not lie
There isn't a man who does not cry
They are all tired and spent and lost and denied
They are all finding their way, searching for light
there's nothing they share
there are all like me
they are all blind in this world,
but they pretend to see...

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Knowing you...

I have been a part of your lost world…
I have run through your jungles,
Dived into your rivers
I have smelled your sweet scent
And fallen in love with your mountains
I have known your enemies and 
have fought by your side
I have attacked those predators 
and made peace with your life
I have sailed with the wind of your thoughts
And chased little rabbits to their green homes
I have explored those caves and marveled in wonder
at the things you have never shown
I have tended to your gardens and your spirit and your dreams
I have labored through the day and the night 
I have bathed in your waterfalls and drowned in your streams
and have glorified in your power and light

I tread these ways I know so well
in a world you think is lost
I have fought to keep your dreams alive
in a world you think is gone

I know where you’d like to go
I know what you'd like to see
Once I have lived in your lost world
I know what I am to be...

Saturday, May 12, 2012

All the difference

I asked them if I could see the sun
They said I wasn’t ripe enough
I asked them if I could take the fall
They said I wasn’t strong enough
I asked them if I could sing along
They said I wasn’t good enough
So I stayed and stayed inside the house
Too scared to ask them anymore…

I asked him if I could see the sun
He shone brighter than all the stars
I asked him if I could take the fall
He fell from grace to take me far
I asked him if I could sing with him
He wrote a song on his guitar
So I stayed with him inside our house
Too happy to be anywhere else…

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I tread a road I had never meant to take
I chase a dream I never had
Just because they said I couldn't
Just to say I could, but I wouldn't
I went too far on a one way road again
And realized my life
would never be the same again
and all that I had borrowed
was lost in vain
all that I had earned
was sold for pain...

I have nothing to offer to my future me
but the broken pieces of a bitter heart
a lonely shadow of a dream
and a will to make a better start...

Broken Warrior...

He stood under the broken bridge
Devastated, tattered and scarred
scratched, ruined and sold
too cheap for words,
too pricey for a soul
He stood there, broken
and menacingly beautiful...

They had said
He'd never be the same again
Cheated and stung
by this petty world
He'd never be himself again
Only he rose
Larger, stronger and too powerful
He fought the battles 
and walked amidst bloodshed
A proud face
with a disturbing expression 
He never cried again...
Stronger than anyone else
he protected his valor
and his people and his pride
but sold all else
His heart, his self, his spirit...

Friday, April 27, 2012

Zombie Love...

I gathered flowers from your grave
Each one a memory
My skin brushed against their blistered stem
For weeks they stayed, ‘til I gathered them
One by one, I eased their pain.

You rose from the dead, looking for me
Stretched out your limbs,
Stifled your yawns
Seeking what had once been yours
But now belonged to someone else
To memories, to the roses and poems
And everything you had owned or bought
Your memory, I wasn’t yours anymore
You took too long, I waited enough
And now my love isn’t yours anymore
I live in the past, each moment again
Your resurrection doesn’t change a thing
It’s zombie love…
You may go back to being dead…