Friday, December 16, 2016

I am still looking for
All the pieces of me
I shattered around you
When I first met you

Like a snowball
I had exploded against you
Into a million tiny pieces
I have been resurrected
And I am learning anew
How to be a person
Finding bits of me, here and there
And hanging onto them
I am gathering
Bit by bit
Parts of a person
To become whole

I will get there
But until then
Bear with me
Sometimes, I act as if
I am not myself
And I think now you know why

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Without you

Without you
There is no poetry
The words won't rhyme
The pen dries up
and slips on paper
Speechlessly

Without you
There is no song
No music
No rhythm
Not even silence
Just a periodic thumping
In the background
Of the hours that refuse to pass away

Without you
The rooms are empty
The picture frames
Glance nervously around
Conscious of the empty space
Inside themselves

Without you
There's no poetry
Or prose
Or even enough words
To describe the hollow
That you leave within

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Reverie

That night
Lying in your balcony
Blowing smoke in each other's face
Pink Floyd blared in the background
As neither of us
Thought much about
That moment that we were living in
Where our legs are wrapped around each other
And we are looking out at the silent night
The quiet only broken
By the cars
Rushing past us on the highway

That night must have been extraordinary
'Cause years later
I am sitting in my car
The same song blaring on the radio
As a man walks by flicking his cigarette at me
And all at once
Your face flashes before my eyes
A part of me is still hooked on to you
As I just sit there, lost
While the world rushes past me
Unaware of the chaos within


Thursday, September 29, 2016

The Tragedy Called Us

It’s funny really that
The reason we are not together anymore
Is not because we were too dissimilar
But because we’re much too alike

Neither of us was ever the first to apologise
First to break the silence
First to open the door
First to hold the other one
And force them to look into our eyes
First to start the fight
Confess our sins
Or at least, verbally
Place the blame

Neither of us ever managed to be kind enough,
Gentle enough, wise enough,
Cruel enough or reasonable enough
To either fix it, or finish it

You were too proud to be able to mend it
But so was I
You were too stubborn to be able to end it
And so was I

It took months and years of miserable existence
For us to finally confess
Our souls were both cut out of exactly
The same piece of fabric
And no matter how hard we tried to stay together
The frayed ends of our existence could never intertwine
And hence we must live apart
You with your self, and I, with mine


Wednesday, September 28, 2016

About today

Sometimes, like right now
I sit in my bed
And ask myself
Why is that I love you

And I think of today morning
When we woke up
and you had somehow known right away
That something was wrong
And I had told you about my nightmare
How, as you had slept
I had been covered in angry red mushrooms

And you had looked at me
Incredulously
As you had kissed my arms
and laughed my fear away
Mushrooms, or no mushrooms
You had told me that you'd always love me

Its moments like these
That remind me
Why is it that I love you

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Not just yet

I am only just getting used to you
Don't leave my side just yet.

Your weight, resting on the other half of my bed
I forgot to tell you last night that it was my side
But its okay
It can be your side now.
Your clothes
Lying in a pile at the foot of my bed
I can get used to the messiness
I think.
Falling asleep
With my head snuggled deep
Inside that hollow in your shoulder
And your hands roaming freely all over my body
You don't know this about me yet
That I am a light sleeper
But I guess I could get used to your fingers
Making mischief over my frame
Waking up, wrapped in my covers
While you shiver in your sleep
I suppose we will both get used to
Waging war at each other
For the comforter

Don't leave my side just yet
I know that together, we shall create magic.


Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The real you

I am learning to see you as you are
Getting to know the man
That resides in that body
And not the one I like you to be.
Speak, this time I am really listening to you
Exactly what you are saying
And how you are saying it
No, not projecting ideas,
Not assuming things that would
comfort my heart
But really watching,
Concentrating
Not sensing
Or feeling
Or wishing
Or expecting
But really,
For the first time
I am seeing you
Not as a fragment of my fantasy
But as an actual, substantive
Human being

And rest assured,
That even now,
You're every bit as charming
As you were
When you had lived inside my head.

Erasing you

I am slowly erasing
Every memory of you
That rests in my spirit.

Disentangling this knot
In the middle of my chest
Red, pulsing
Alive with you
I am bursting it
Like shattered glass
And scattering away
the billion pieces.

In your wake
You've left my world
Kaleidoscopic


Thursday, June 2, 2016

Yes, I swear

There's nothing that I love
More than an empty piece of paper
I can fill it with you
Or with us
And display it, on my shelf
Oh so proudly
Because any piece of paper
Full of you
Is fucking perfection

Just perfect

Our relationship
Is like the first draft of a poem
Pure
Unadulterated
Raw
Immature
Rushed
Passionate
Elusive and
Graceless

Isn't it perfect?


Not everything must be poetry

Not everything must be poetry
Some things can exist
As vapour
Suspended between our faces
Exchanged, not in words,
But in the breath that flows through your body
into mine
And that's how we will both now
How the air can be thick with words unsaid
And kisses be filled with feelings
Without us ever exactly
knowing how

For the man who doesn't make me choose

I love you
Because with you
There is no either-or

I don't have to choose
Between being me
And being with you
I don't have to
Pick a role
Stay in or go out
Be a box
A certain size, or shape
To please you

I could be hanging
half way out of the balcony
for all you care
I could be a formless whirlwind
for all you care

With you, there's no picking
And that's why
I love you

My life

There’s a life I live inside my head.
One where I am flying in colors beyond the scope of a rainbow.
One where my feet never hit the ground,
but constantly whirl in a never-ending ecstatic dance.
One where I can be happy without fear
Silent without judgments
and depressed without anger.
The one that I ink in my diary,
and quietly whisper to you whenever we make love.
Those are the words that are brimming inside my eyes
while staring inside yours to see if you can read them.

And I know you read them.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

This mind, unbeaten

I often run when I should be walking
That's how I came to you
Rushing
Falling for you
Jumping off a cliff
(Yes, that is exactly how it felt)
Jumping, willingly
Into shallow waters
I was bound to get hurt
And yet I jumped
Because I know you needed me
To add to your empty depths

I dropped flat
On your cold surface
My body hurt,
Skin torn from the collision
And I stayed
For you
Constantly fighting to stay afloat
Constantly being pulled into nothingness

It took me a while
And a lot of pain
To decide that I must come out
That I couldn't stay there
Struggling
For the rest of my life

I emerged
With bruised arms
A battered back
A crushed heart
But, as always,
A stubborn mind!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Watch

And once again
I watch you from afar
As you go about
being yourself
Walking that walk
As if heading nowhere
Casually

Everything about you is casual
The way you stroke your beard
Yours eyes staring blankly
At everything, and nothing
The way you light your cigarette,
and mine
And the way you flick it
In casual dismissal
The way you laugh
Throwing your head backwards
I derive particular gratifaction
When its because of something I say

I like the way you look at me
Amused
Do I delight you? Please you?
I think so
I watch you
When you seek me out
Very deliberately
And expel me from your consideration
Just as surely

But all I do is watch you
From a safe, safe distance
Considering your every move
And never surrendering
Because I know
That it would be just as futile
As simply watching you


Sunday, May 15, 2016

That night

That night
You made me feel beautiful
As you traced
the outline of my body
with your lips
First casually, and then with
much urgency
As if you were afraid
that I would disappear
before you could have enough

That night
You made me feel desired
As you ran your two hands
All over my form
Grasping, moulding
Making me feel like clay
Finally taking shape
Under the pressure of your palms

That night
You made me feel satisfied
As the darkness inside me disappeared
Travelling through our bodies
Escaping into outer space
Only white light
Engulfing us both
As we paved our way
Into a delirium


That line

I have been looking
for the line that I had drawn
between 'yours' and 'mine'

Protective of my self,
I had insisted on buying two nightstands.
One for your mysteries, and one for mine.
I had carefully separated
Our books on the bookshelf
Fearful, that you simply couldn't,
Or wouldn't, understand them.
I had split chores in two
This space in two
My heart, in two.

However, lately
Things have changed

I am finding myself
sharing with you
Sides of the bed,
books, ideas, secrets,
toothbrushes, perfumes,
wardrobes, kisses, moods
t-shirts, razors, socks,
ideologies, diaries,
habits, miracles and smiles.

I am starting to wonder...
Are you still yours?
Or are you perhaps mine!

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Why do I love you so?

They often ask
Why do I love you so?
Why do I insist on staying firmly grounded
into the Earth beside your two feet
When I could be anywhere else?

Here is why

You, are my clear blue stream of cold fresh water
Inside your enchanting depths
I see my spirit, reflected
Without its flaws or its scars or its muckiness
I see myself glorified
The finest version of me, staring back at me
And I become conscious
Of all the things that I am capable of
Of the things I can accomplish
Of the person I can become
And I feel my body transform
Slowly, but steadily
Into the woman that you admire!

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

New year, Old me!

Every now and then
I have an urge to reject
Everything
That defines me.
Positivity, harmony
Care, love,
Calm, energy
Laughter and ability.
I am more than an expectation
Yours or my own
You were mistaken
If you assumed otherwise!
Don't push me
Down, or on a pedestal
I won't keep
Your veneration, your admiration
In me, you'll never find
Your salvation
Keep them, your applause
Your rewards
For another

Because every once in a while,
I will refuse to value them
They will mean nothing
And that ought to serve you right!

Oh! Its been a while
Since I last refused to care
And today I have finally
Reaffirmed my identity!

Its a new year
But thankfully
The same old me!